As Seen on TV
by Ace-Of-Insanity
Summary: Defective Irkens should never be allowed to watch infomercials. Stupidity and madness will ensue. -oneshot-


_Hello, good people of this site. In an attempt to get back into writing fanfics, I have taken a stab at writing an Invader Zim fic. This little oneshot stems from both my love of the show and my morbid fascination with the ridiculous products infomercials hock everyday (I'm looking at you, Snuggie). I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, and remember, this is my first IZ fic, so go easy on me. ;D_

_I don't own Zim. And I also don't own any of the (very real) informercial products mentioned here._

* * *

**As Seen on TV**

"GIR! TURN DOWN THAT WRETCHED RACKET RIGHT NOW! ZIM CANNOT HEAR HIMSELF THINK!"

That was the seventh time that morning that Zim had shouted up at Gir to turn down the volume on the TV. All of the previous times had the outcome of either Zim being ignored, or the volume of the TV getting even _louder_.

Zim growled as this scolding resulted in the latter, the sounds of explosions and televised nonsense becoming near deafening, even from down in his labs where the Irken stood. His gloved claws dug into the side of the equipment he was working on. Clearly, Gir would not be turning down the volume any time soon

"Oh, that idiot robot!" Zim snapped to himself as he turned around and headed into the elevator. It was no use getting any work done. Not until there was some level of quiet in the house. The mechanical hippo project would have to wait for now.

A few moments later, the irritated Irken pulled himself out of the kitchen toilet, and was instantly bombarded with noise that made his antenna flatten against his head in utter agony. Zim gritted his teeth. Up here on the main floor the TV's volume had to be twice the amount of what it had felt like down in the labs. Yes, something definitely needed to be done about this.

"Gir...GIR!" Zim shrieked, as he walked into the living room, fighting to be heard over the sounds of what appeared a show about cowboys.

But there was Gir, the little robot sitting on the couch, enthralled with the programming. His huge blue eyes were staring straight at the massive screen, and he had the remote gripped in his hands like it was the precious thing on the face of the planet (Of course, this being FILTHY planet Earth, it might as well be). He also wasn't listening to Zim's feverish screams. In fact, it wasn't until Zim had walked all the way to the dysfunctional SIR unit's side and slapped him offside the head that Gir even noticed his master was there.

"Oh hi mastah!" he said cheerily, "You wanna watch TV too?"

"No, Gir. I do not want to watch these PATHETIC Earth broadcasts," Zim replied, quickly snatching the remote right out of Gir's hands. The robot's eyes appeared to get two sizes bigger at that, "I also don't want this stupid thing to be SO LOUD THAT ZIM CANNOT HEAR HIMSELF THINK!"

In a huff, he turned around, staring at the remote for a minute. All of the little buttons on the device seemed to blend into one. Zim growled slightly. He wasn't going to admit he had next to no idea how to work the TV remote. (Being an Invader and all, Zim could not just spend his time sitting around playing with the remote or watching TV all day.)

Finally, though, Zim spotted what appeared to be the button that would turn that screaming noise box off. He smirked slightly. He was ZIM! And ZIM knows how to control ALL!

"But… but… the shoooow!" Gir whined, his eyes brimming with tears. He tried to grab the remote out of his master's hand, to no abide.

"You can watch it again later, Gir," Zim hissed, "But for now, IT'S GOING OFF. If I plan on unleashing my next _evil plan_on the stinking humans sometime soon, I need to be able to focus. Which is something I cannot do with that IDIOTIC machine blasting loud noise of… noisyness!" And with that, Zim hit what he thought was the Power button.

However, instead of shutting off, the TV simply switched to another channel. Instantly the image of a strange Earth man holding an even stranger orange towel… thing appeared.

"HI IT'S VINCE WITH SHAMWOW!" The man on the screen said, his voice amplified by a still raised volume.

"Eh?" Zim blinked, silently cursing the fact he had no clue which button did what on the remote. This man on the screen had caught his attention, though. What was this "Shamwow" he spoke of?

"That's not mah show!" Gir piped up, equally enthralled with the commercial, though for an entirely different reason.

Zim ignored his robot minion. He was too busy listening to this man known as Vince rave about the greatness of the "Shamwow". The Vince-man waved the orange cloth around, speaking of all that it could do. It could absorb up to 12 times its own weight in liquid, Zim learned. That was quite a lot. No normal human object could hold that much. Not even the paste Zim constantly bathed in to protect himself from water was that good.

From this, the Irken came to his conclusion: this Shamwow-thing was some sort of secret human absorbo-shield! That Vince human was wearing a strange little earpiece, one that had to give him direct ties to the filthy human weapon manufacturers, Zim concurred. And it was being sold right there on the television!

"Made in Germany, you know the Germans make good stuff," That Shamwow-man proclaimed. Zim nodded to himself. His research had shown him that the human land mass of Germany was indeed a haven of weapons and machinery. This Shamwow was no exception, then.

The commercial went on to show a montage of several filthy Earth-monkeys practically crying with joy over their obtainment of this secret human technology. And it was then that Zim came to a decision: he had to obtain one of these Shamwows! If simple dirt humans had such easy access to it, they could easily use the bright orange technology against him. And in his quest to take over this disgusting planet, that could be dangerous.

"Where does Zim find one of these "Shamwows", Vince-man? TELL ZIM NOW, BEFORE I DESTROY YOU!" Zim yelled at the screen.

Of course, right at this moment, Vince went on to talk about how if you ordered now you'd be receiving both double the amount of Shamwow goodness, now totally to eight of the little towel-shields, _and_a Shamwow mop. Zim grinned. His threats were obviously working; the Vince valued his life so much that he was giving him even _more_ of the powerful technology.

"Here's how to order!" Finally, a telephone number appeared on the screen, the gateway to obtaining the secret absorbo-sheilds. Zim stared at the number intently, his BRILLIANT mind remembering it for further use.

"Hehehehe! That Vince-human has no idea what he's doing, selling such AMAZING shield technologies to ZIIIIM!" he cried, before bursting into a fit of insane laughter.

Zim was just about to tell Gir to get him the phone when the next commercial came on.

"Eh?" The Irken's eyes widened once again as he saw what was being promoted on screen. It was something called the "Snuggie", and it was described as a 'blanket with sleeves,' but Zim could tell that it was clearly some sort of human body armor. That other description had to simply be some sort of cover up.

The ad showed many happy stink-humans wearing this so-called "Snuggie", no doubt ecstatic over the fact that their inner meats were snuggly warm and protected from any sort of attack. It said the armor was made of a thick, soft fleece. Zim wasn't entirely sure what this "fleece" was, but he assumed it could deflect lasers.

_Zim must get his hands on this Snuggie armor!_he thought to himself after watching the commercial display a number to call, much like the Shamwow one had. This was a wonderful turn of events. Somehow, through an act of Zim's pure amazingness, he stumbled upon a television channel that sold nothing but the human's finest and most secret technologies! It made perfect sense!

His next evil plan would have to be put on hold for the time being.

"COMPUTER!" Zim yelled suddenly, looking up at the ceiling impatiently.

"**What?" **Zim's computer's droned out, sounded as uninterested as ever.

"Computer, tell Zim which television channel this is," Zim commanded, "I have found it to be one that is… very useful."

"**Uh, that one?" **A slight pause as the computer searched through its channel listings,** "…That's the "As on TV Network". They show infomercials, mostly."**

"Info…. mercials?" Zim blinked, "So that's what they're called. Hmph, but it doesn't matter. What does matter is that the mighty Zim has found the humans' secret weaponry trade channel! All of their filthy military's best weapons and finest technology is in my grasp! And THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW IT! AHAHAHAHAHA!" he cackled in pride.

"**Uh, Zim… that's not what this channel is…"**Zim's computer attempted to correct his megalomaniacal master, though it was in vain.

"Silence!" Zim yelled, before glancing over at Gir, who had remained on the couch, "Now… to get me some secret human technology… Gir!"

"Yes my lord!" Gir popped off the sofa, briefly snapping into Duty Mode. Zim grinned evilly, showing all of his zipper-like teeth.

"Gir, bring me the phone…"

* * *

A few days later, and Zim's living room was quite literally buried alive. Zim had spent the rest of that first day he discovered the "As Seen on TV" network watching and calling, calling and watching. Any new product that appeared on the screen he was clambering for, making sure none slipped past him. Every product, every last one, Zim saw as either some sort of shield or armor, or as weapon capable of multitudes of destruction. He couldn't wait until they were in his claws.

Fortunately, those companies shipped fast.

So now his living room was filled with a slew of infomercial products, from Snuggies to Shamwows, My Lil' Reminders to Handy Peels, and every other ridiculous infomercial product in between. In all, Zim has assembled quite the "arsenal".

"Yes… yes! The humans will tremble in fear when Zim stands before them!" Zim cried, now in his human disguise, standing atop a rather massive pile of empty boxes that had contained his recent purchases. He was wearing his new dark blue Snuggie, the "body armor" so large that it trailed behind him. More protection for Zim, he figured. He also had placed a bright orange Shamwow on top of his wig, a helmet of sorts. That Vince-man would be proud.

Currently he was waving around a product called the ShoeDini, making triumphant noises as he swung it around like a baseball bat. The ad he had brought it from had proclaimed it to be a kind of shoe horn on a stick, but Zim could easily spy its weaponry potential. He wondered how many enemy skulls had been cracked open by human soldiers wielding it.

"Can I play with it?" Gir asked as he poked out from underneath some of the boxes. He too was wearing a Shamwow, the towel tied around his little body like an orange loincloth.

"No, there will no playing with this, Gir," Zim replied, holding the ShoeDini away from the robot's grabbing hands, "This is a very dangerous weapon. Only true soldiers can handle it properly." He grinned darkly, considering himself to be quite the true soldier "Oh, how Zim cannot wait to have a chance to inflict destruction with this marvelous artillery." And with that, he continued to brandish his ShoeDini, adding exultant sound effects as he hopped from box to box.

"**Hey, Zim, I hate to interrupt… erm, whatever you're doing, but there's something going on outside,"**Zim's computer suddenly rumbled, the deep voice catching Zim off guard, causing him to trip and tumble to the bottom of the box hill.

"Urgh, what is it, Computer?" Zim responded, quickly pushing himself back to his feet and readjusting the Shamwow and wig on his head. A perfect recovery.

"**Dib's trying to break in again. He's sneaking around the front lawn. Do you want me to activate the gnomes on him?" **The Computer asked, speaking in a tone that seemed to imply that it didn't care either way.

Zim looked across the room at the front door, gritting his teeth. That stupid Dib-monkey, always trying to get into Zim's base. Perhaps some lasers to his gargantuan head would teach him a lesson or two.

"Yes, yes, activate the gnom- WAIT A MINUTE," Zim stopped mid-command, a new thought entering his ingenious mind, "…On second thought, computer, keep the gnomes off. Zim is going to use this chance to see just how powerful his new weaponry is."

"**Oh, goodie…"**The Computer sarcastically replied. The sarcasm was missed by Zim, however, who took the statement as encouragement. Grinning malevolently, the Irken began goose-stepping to the door, his claws tightening their grip on his ShoeDini.

On his way, he paused by his couch, which was littered with various other infomercial products. He looked them all over, trying to find a perfect one for this situation. Finally, he spotted one, and used his free hand to grab it and swing it around. It was a long staff of sorts the commercial had called a "Comfort Wipe". Perfect. What other use could the thing possibly have other than to smash enemies' heads in?

"You better have some last words ready, Dib-worm, for Zim is going to DESTROY you today," Zim purred as he arrived at the door. He was just about to open it when he realized that both his hands were full with a ShoeDini and a Comfort Wipe, respectively. He narrowed a contact-covered eye, and attempted to try and grab the door handle while still holding his weapons. This didn't work. After a moment of staring at the door intently (during this period of time it didn't occur to him to just put one weapon down, open the door, and then pick it back up again), Zim finally just kicked the door with his foot, hoping to strike the door open. Zim's Computer, noticing just how sad this door-incident was, had the door open automatically at this.

"Victory for Zim!" Zim cried when the door opened, pleased at just how powerful his foot was. Then, with the door now open and his weapons ready, he leapt outside, screaming "DON'T MOVE, DIB-WORM, OR I'LL DESTROY YOU WHERE YOU STAND!"

There was a rather surprised sounding yelp from across the yard, as Zim's threat caught Dib off guard. The black-clad child fell backwards onto the grass with a loud 'umph'. He had seen the door open, and was attempting to escape before Zim got out and spotted him. Clearly, it wasn't meant to be.

Dib didn't say anything for a minute as he lay on the grass, a bit dazed. Zim marched towards him, grinning. The filthy worm baby was stunned speechless! Of course, when Dib finally did find his voice, the first thing he said was a simple question: "…Are you wearing a _Snuggie_?"

"Heh?" Zim stopped short, eyes widening. He glanced down at the blue Snuggie he was wearing, before looking back at Dib, "How does the Dib knows about Zim's super secret body armor?"

"Super secret… armor? Zim, it's a Snuggie. It's not body armor. It's a stupid blanket that they added sleeves to. You can buy them just about anywhere," Dib pushed himself onto his feet, giving his alien rival a dull look, "And it makes you look like a moron." He paused for a moment, noticing the "helmet" Zim was also wearing, "…There's a Shamwow on your head."

"SILENCE!" Zim shrieked suddenly, swinging his ShoeDini dramatically at Dib, "You tell lies, Dib-worm! Zim has obtained this Snuggie from a secret human weaponry channel! Zim is armed to the teeth with an arsenal that will utterly DESTROY YOU!" He shook the two "weapons" in his hands to add effect.

Dib gave Zim another blank look, "Secret human weaponry channel? Tell me, Zim, which channel is that?"

"Feh, as if Zim would tell you. You'd be able obtain these powerful weapons too if I revealed my secret supplier," The Irken snorted, but in true Zim fashion, proceeded to tell Dib anyway, "Zim has been shopping the "As Seen on TV" Network. Don't be surprised if you've never heard of it before. Only the finest soldiers are able to find it."

Dib was silent for a moment. However, a small smirk suddenly appeared on his face, followed by a small laugh. Then, a louder laugh. Finally, Dib was laughing so hard that he had to balance himself against the fence to make sure he wouldn't fall over.

"What? What is so funny?" Zim snapped, narrowing his eyes. Nobody laughed at Zim! No one!

"Aw man… hehehe… Zim, you're an idiot," Dib said when he was able to start breathing again. Even then, he was still giggling slightly, "…That channel you're talking about isn't… hah… a "secret weapon channel". It's a channel they set up to sell stupid, pointless products to people who buy anything. I can't believe you think all the things they sell are… weapons! Hahahaha!" He started laughing again. Zim was not amused.

"Grrr… shut your noise tube, Dib-worm!" he shrieked, swinging his Comfort Wipe forward. Dib easily ducked to avoid it.

"Aw man, Zim… you really don't get it, do you?" The boy chuckled, "Whatever you bought aren't weapons, or shields, or whatever! They never can or will be! They're stupidity embodied! That's it!" He snorted, before reaching inside his trench coat for something, "You know, I wasn't planning on using this on you today, but really, I think you might deserve it…" And with that, Dib pulled out a small orange squirt gun, and proceeded to fire a small stream of water at Zim's face.

Zim reacted quickly. He released his grip on his ShoeDini in order to grab the Shamwow resting atop his head. He flung the orange "absorbo-shield" in front of him. The water being sprayed at him met the Shamwow, and just as the commercial had proclaimed, it used its 12-times-its-weight-in-liquid holding capabilities to soak it up. The towel in Zim's claws was now slightly damp, and Zim had protected himself from getting that disgusting liquid in his eyes. Or worse.

"…I suppose "sorry" isn't in your filthy human vocabulary," The Irken haughtily sneered at Dib, who was staring, trying to compute what just happened. Zim looked at the Shamwow in his hand, and grinned. Seemed it lived up to its hype.

"Wha…? But the… that thing is… WHAT?" Dib sputtered for several moments, before finally just facepalming and groaning, "You know what? I'm… I'm not even gonna bother with you today, Zim. It's just not worth my time." He hopped over Zim's fence onto the sidewalk on the other side, and began walking away.

It took Zim a few seconds to realize what just happened, and when he did, he wasn't happy.

"Hey! Where are you going! Zim hasn't destroyed you yet!" he screamed at his rival, who simply returned the threat with a rather half-hearted wave. Zim let out an aggravated shriek, before throwing his ShoeDini to the ground, "Bah! Stupid human, fleeing like a… like a squirrel! He dares mock Zim's weapons, even after he's been shown their power? STUPID!"

He spat a few curses in Irken under his breath, before turning around and stomping back inside. The Dib may laugh and run, but soon, Zim knew, soon Zim would unleash his arsenal upon the general public. And then the planet would be all his, the humans' downfall their own technology!

"And I'll be warm and fuzzy the whole time," Zim purred, wrapping his arms around himself and his ultra-soft Snuggie. Warm and snuggly infomercial victory would be his!

As he walked inside, however, something new caught Zim's attention. Gir had turned the TV back on, and was currently sitting atop the box mountain and watching it. That was not what had grasped the interested of Zim, though. He was caught up with what was on the screen.

Two human females were standing around a small podium, on top of which was a glimmering necklace made with blue stones, "rare Aztecan turquoise" the humans said. The camera kept zooming in on it, as prices and phone numbers to call appeared. The Earth females sounded like they were quite giddy with the whole thing.

Zim blinked, and his eyes widened. Could this be? It was similar structure to the as Seen on TV network, but at the same time it was different. The way the humans on screen talked about it proved that whatever they were selling had to be important.

A thin smirk appeared on Zim's nonexistent lips. Once again, through his sheer amazingness, he had stumbled upon a second secret human technology channel! And that would make his eventual conquest of this dumb planet all the most easier.

"Computer!" he called, "What channel is this…?"

* * *

_From infomercials to the Home Shopping Network. Classy, eh?_

_So, yeah. There's my little slice of IZ fanfiction. I hope to eventually write some more stories of that fandom, particually a multi-chapter story I've been planning. Until then, please leave a review or two. I would love to know what you people thought of this._


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